See that nose?
That nose lies.
The day I met that nose, I was sitting criss-cross-applesauce on the floor of the home of a woman I'd just met, and that nose came up to me and touched my nose, and kissed my nose, and curled up in my lap. That nose made me believe that the dog behind it was was the sweetest, gentlest, darling-est little thing in the world. That nose continued to make me believe this until the day the adoption was final.
And then the truth came out.
Don't get me wrong: she's still incredibly good-natured. She loves people, and she loves other animals. You've never seen such a waggy little dog. But OH SWEET MARY MARGARET, she's bad. Girlfriend jumps on everything. We think she's part cat: she can jump ON our kitchen counters. From the ground. Without assistance. If you're sitting on the couch with your laptop, she'll jump up and lie down right on top of your typing hands. Also? She steals things from our fruit bowl. I've found her sitting as pretty as you please on our bed with an avocado she took from the bowl (that lives at the back of our kitchen counter, incidentally) between her paws. I'm constantly having to search our house for half-eaten apples she's stashed in various rooms of the house. She's so bad, Marcus has dubbed her the "Hairy Terrorist."
(And by the way: what kind of dog eats apples?)
Last week, I finally had enough: the house was quiet for a while, and when suspicion finally got the best of me, I went looking for her. She had gotten into my closet (with closed sliding doors, by the way), nudged the doors open, grabbed one of my leopard-print pumps, took it into our den, and shredded it. Just absolutely obliterated it. There were leopard-print-pump-pieces all over the couch, all over most of the floor. So after I shrieked at her (where she responded by loping over to me, and then turning over and lying on her back while enthusiastically wagging), I contacted a dog obedience school, and signed her happy ass up for 6 weeks of training.
We started this past weekend. She behaved like a champ: she was sweet to all of the other dog owners who cooed over her, nuzzling her cold, wet nose into their hands and against all the faces of their little puppies. She paid attention to commands. "She's adorable!" everyone squealed.
That's how she gets ya.
Soundtrack: Atomic dog by George Clinton