on raising my kid, and how you can help

Sick of the damned butterfly costume yet? Yeah, me too. But I just received this picture, and I'm sorry, but it needed to be published. Photo by my dad.

I interrupt Chookooloonks for the following rant:

In recent months, I've been witness to some parenting skills which ... well, differ from mine. Let's just say that. I mean, without casting any aspersions or judgments on the other parents in question (and understanding that the children of these parents, I'm sure, will end up being productive members of society), there are certain parenting behaviours which, well... okay, how to put this... I wouldn't be caught DEAD doing. Or failing to do.

What worries me, however, is even though I hold some of these rules dear to my heart, I understand that many people around Alex may not feel nearly as strongly as I do about exposing her to certain products, or allowing her to eat or drink certain things, or behave in a certain way. For this reason, I am publishing the following guidelines, to help those of you who happen to be around Alex help me raise her. Clearly, I understand that some of the items in this list might be perceived to be a bit harsh, and when Alex is older, will undoubtedly earn me the Uncoolest Mom of the Year Award; nonetheless, this is the way it's going to be in our house, and while she's living under our roof, by God, she'll live under our rules. And yes, I do realize I sound just like my parents. And yes, it does disturb me the tiniest bit. But after living under the harsh rules I had to live under when I was growing up, I figure this is my right. Besides: judge not, lest you be judged.

So without further ado, I present to you:

The Chookooloonks Momifesto

1. Manners. Alex is being raised to say "please," and "thank you." If she fails to say "please" for anything you're offering, I hereby give you the right to withhold your gift until she does. And if she fails to say "thank you," you may take it away. No questions asked.

2. The Mattel Corporation. I hate Barbie. I really do. I think Barbie is the primary reason women have poor body-image issues today. However, I totally undestand that the Mattel Corporation have done a stupendous job of infiltrating the collective subconscious and thus sets the standard for Everything Girlie. Therefore (even though we refuse to get cable, and to date, Alex has no clue who Barbie is), there will come a day when someone close to me will cave and purchase a Barbie for an enthusiastic Alex. And even though you are all now and forever keenly aware of my Barbie Aversion, I will silently allow said plastic atrocity to enter our home. I will, however, teach my daughter the following phrase, in the same way my sister taught her daughter:

"Poor Barbie. She's not very interesting."

In this way, I (and my sister) hope to instil in Alex (and my niece, Julia), a sense of pity, with perhaps a hint of superiority. Because, we figure, if our daughters play with Barbie because they feel sorry for her, rather than because they admire her, this, my friends, will be progress.

3. MGA "Entertainment." I will NOT, however, extend you the same courtesy if your even think about bringing one of those satanic Bratz dolls into my house. When did "hootchie mama" become an acceptable standard to which to aspire? I loathe those damned dolls. Seriously, if you bring those things to my house, know that as soon as you leave, the doll is going in the community dumpster, and I shall consider our friendship or familyhood over. You will be dead to me.

You have been warned.

4. Makeup, hairspray, nail polish. Please don't put them on, or worse, give them to Alex. I'm not saying that I may not paint the child's toes one day, or let her try on my lipstick, but it will be with the clear understanding that these items are Mommy items, not Alex items. That butterfly costume you see up above is as close to glitzy as my kid will be getting for a long time -- and note well, at no time during the Halloween season was she wearing anything which could even vaguely be considered glamour-puss makeup. Please do not turn my baby into this.

5. WWF Training. In our home, hitting, biting, scratching, kicking and other forms of violence are not tolerated. Therefore, in the unlikely event you see Alex engaging in any of these behaviours, particularly if your child is the target, you have my complete permission to intervene, as well as scold her for her behaviour (without the use of violence or obscene language, please). As a matter of fact, I encourage it. Because lemme tell ya, if your child tries to hurt Alex in any way, I guaranTEE you that I'm stepping in and saying something to your kid.

6. Cookies, soft drinks, candy and other snack foods. Awww, go ahead and give 'em to her. Lord knows she doesn't get them in our house. Come to think of it, I don't think she has a clue what a carbonated beverage tastes like -- we never buy them. She does, however, know what wine tastes like. Which sort of tells you what kind of a mother I am.

Now that I'm thinking about it, don't give her wine or any other kind of alcohol, either. Shut up. Do as I say, not as I do.

And as for the other stuff? Give them to her, but at your own risk. Like I said, she doesn't get them at home. So Lord knows what you may unleash.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled Chookooloonks.

Comments

[Robin]

Those are some great rules !!! You had me laughing and thinking at the same time.. That's why I like your blog so much. ;)

[Ruth]

You go. That's the way it is at our house, and my kids are happy, healthy, and well-behaved. (most of the time. they're not robots.) The rules haven't hurt them in the least.

My daughter has the requisite Barbie Batallion, but she (and I) really prefer Groovy Girls. They're ... well ... groovy. (http://shop.digitalriver.com/dr/v2/ec_Main.Entry17c?SID=48105&SP=10024&CID=0&PID=&PN=29&V1=11033676&V2=11033676&CUR=840&DSP=&PGRP=0&ABCODE=&CACHE_ID=0)

[Ruth]

Posting again in an attempt to get a working link:

http://shop.digitalriver.com/dr/v2/ec_Main.Entry17c?SID=48105&SP=10024&CID=0&PID=&PN=29&V1=11033676&V2=11033676&CUR=840&DSP=&PGRP=0&ABCODE=&CACHE_ID=0

[jody2ms]

I hear you on Barbie. Blek. I double hear you on Bratz.

My friends and I have very similiar rules when dealing with each others kids. Between all of us, there are 28 kids, so rules are needed!!

[Lisa V]

All our Barbies live in a lesbian commune where they rule the world while wearing ball gowns. At least that is what it sounds like from outside the door.

My kids (even the 14 year old) have only had soft drinks on rare, very rare instances and they NEVER have caffiene. One year they all asked for Coke for Christmas dinner. I said "okay, it's Christmas. You can always have it on Christmas." I poured them each a shot glass of it. My BIL was amazed and thought I was a mean mom. Last year at Easter one of my daughters remembered we didn't have any Coke the previous Christmas (I forgot to buy it.) She asked if she could have two shots for Easter becasue of it. You know they will mainline that stuff that nano second you move away from home.

[Restless Clio]

Your list is awesome! I don't have children yet, but I'm totally stealing your list for the day that I do.

[Nancy]

Okay, so HOW did you do this? How did you crawl inside my head and steal my rules? Hmmm? 'Fess up, now...you're not going to get away with this!
Oh, I am hearing you. First of all...I have always said "I will NOT have a brat for a kid!" So what makes a toy manufacturer think I would allow a DOLL in with that appellation? Huh?
Shao has Barbie's. I MAY have even bought one of them for her. I KNOW I have bought the cute little "Kelly" dolls for her...I mean, they are cute. No, you know...I don't think I HAVE bought her any actual Barbies. Maybe a carrying case, though. I said NO BARBIES, but not everyone listened.
The makeup thing...well...SOMETIMES she is allowed to put it on, IN the house, and then wash it all off. It is in the context of playing Princesses with friends, and it is play makeup. She goes to a Catholic school, so no fingernail polish allowed. But we DO have the prettiest of toe nails...BOTH of us, as she loves to do my feet. But she IS nine, after all, not Miss Alex's age!
Manners are TOP PRIORITY. And Shao's are good....Thanks, God! :)
Physical aggression is not allowed...but truthfully, has never been an issue. While Shao is athletic and agile, she is basically a girlie sort of girl, very prone to peace-making, not fighting.
As to the snack stuff...I kept her away from it all for a long time. But things change. We don't have these things hanging about, usually. When she gets candy, for a holiday, it is kept up on top of the refrigerator, where she very conveniently forgets all about it. It is NOT a big priority to her. Even when it is down and about, she is not much interested.

So....just to say, that these rules of yours work...cuz we've been using them for 8 years! Keep up the good work....oh, we have one other! I reminded my sisters:
"Please remember, when your children were small, I NEVER gave them gifts that made obnoxious noises, or had a million small parts!" HA!

[Mir]

My name is Mir, and I approve this Momifesto.

(Not that you needed me to approve it.)

Having a major sweet-tooth myself, I have largely given in on the sugar rules I once set. But AMEN on the rest for sure.

My stepmom gave my daughter a "Wee Three Friends" set, which is sort of Barbie Light. At least they're a little more realistic (and younger) looking. But Bratz or any reasonable facsimile are NEVER coming into this house.

BTW, I love "Poor Barbie. She's not very interesting." I have trained Chickadee to shriek "Oh! FREAKY ALIEN DOLLS!" when she sees Bratz. ;)

[sheilah]

I hear you on the Barbie thing...don't know what a Bratz doll is (don't have a girl; don't pay attention to 'doll things'). I think your rules sound pretty good.

[kenya]

hubby is extremely anti barbie (although i only had good barbie memories from childhood) so barbie is out in our house, as is any other barbie-ish type doll. (i.e. bratz, and the cool scene dolls, etc.)

i love your firmness, and your non apologetic nature too! i know that i have already come up against others opinions in regards to my child, and i have lost my temper with several friends and family... and my baby hasnt even had her first birthday yet! we will NEVER spank in my household (i think spanking for discipline is hypocrisy when you are trying to teach children not to hit others... geez!) despite the fact that we were spanked as children. my daughter is currently an ovo-vegetarian and will continue to be for a while... you would think i lock the child in the closet with only asparagus and tree bark to hear my friends tell it!!! and i take MUCH pride in the fact that my daughters first words were "thank you."

by the way, love your presentation of your rules, and on a "way left" note... i marvel at alex's teeth. so many pearls! note - my baby only has two, so i am in this phase where i admire/covet baby teeth. they make their smiles/faces look like real little people! (vs. the baby look, you know?) how lovely!

[Marisa]

Ooooh... I will have to remember the Barbie technique. The best I've heard yet!

[Bekah]

Your Momifesto is great.

I saw a girl in a restaurant this weekend who was wearing all "Bratz" attire and before I realized it was a doll, I thought she was dressed up like a seven-year-old hooker. Disgusting. What are parents thinking?

And no, I'm not sick of the butterfly pictures. She's adorable in her fancy wings!

[Margaret in Germany]

Nice rules...now that Kennedi is 4, can I have a 'do over' (because she LOVES the Bratz)?

About the wine...it's been said that it is good for the heart. Nothing wrong with caring about your health at a young age.

[brat]

Well, this has GOT to stop.

I recently came back from NY, where while perusing the sights near 5th Ave, my husband, dd and I stumbled upon American Girl Place and spent about 30 minutes there. I kept trying to interest dd in just looking at the dolls, but she preferred being chased while touching everything on the shelves at her eye level. Only Addy caused her to pause.

With no Internet access in our hotel, I had to wait until I got home to Google this place and JUST FIVE MINUTES AGO, I finished reading this article.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A17998-2004Dec21.html

Then I come to Choonks, and among other things, you are lamenting the dearth of decent dolls.

Well, I'm still deliberating as to whether I will, literally, buy into the American Girl doll craze on behalf of my still clueless dd, who is perfectly happy at this point with a baby doll I got her at (don'ttellanybody) Wal-Mart. But in the meantime, consider me freaked out that you and I both are concerned about our daughter's doll role models at the EXACT SAME TIME...literally.

BTW, as for your other rules:
1. DD's grandparents do a better job of reminding dd to say 'please' and 'thank you' than we do. Thank YOU for the reminder. It is always music to my ears when she says either unprompted but I'm so happy to see her take the banana and eat it that it doesn't cross my mind to take it back and have her thank me for that which she really wasn't too jazzed about accepting in the first place.

2. Mattel Corporation offers the American Girl collection, which makes me even more suspicious of the genre.

3. My heart is broken with a regularity by the living, troubled Bratz dolls in the community center where I am employed so I wouldn't even think of letting one of those dolls become a role model for my dd. I blame Britney Spears (and her mother!) for the demise of the American girl.

4. I'm right there with you with the makeup. We were driving to the shopping center on Sunday, and I was slightly disturbed to turn around in my seat to witness my mil applying rouge to my daughter's innocent little lips. Did she ask me??? My daughter is obsessed with my makeup bag, and I'm not bothered when she digs through it, finds a chapstick, pulls off the cap, purses her lips and puts it on. But I will snatch any lipstick away from her in a heartbeat--on top of everything else that's wrong with a 20 mo made up, what a mess she will make. She knows the difference between it and chapstick and generally leaves it alone.

Why is it that I can train my dd not to use lipstick, but don't put much effort into 'please' and 'thank you?'

Anyways, as for the nail polish rule...my daughter in fuschia pink toes is beyond scrumptious. She will now grab the polish and put out her toes for me to paint them. I'm probably low on some scale of bad mothering, but I comply. There's something about pink toes that makes her look even more innocent, more all girl and glowy. I've done her fingernails, but she chips the paint off so quickly it looks trashy, like a Bratz doll. Can't have that.

5. Never saw my dd hit another child, though she came close to pushing one that was in between her and some toy she wanted the other day. She's so small, it was too no avail. To my observation, if some kid pushes or hits her, she walks away.

But do you know that girl has raised her hand to hit me at least three times? Once, not thinking, me, mommy who does not spank, popped her back on her hand and snarled with a very low voice, "YOU don't hit ME."

Wal-mart...and now this!!!

I will NEVER, if I stay in my right mind, do that again. At the time of the interaction, she didn't cry. Just turned her head. But as it turns out she was, literally, traumatized for two days. Before she did anything that was off limits, like touch the dials on our stove, she'd stop herself and slap herself on the hand. And then look at me, like, "Look what you did to me." *I* became traumatized.

But the thing is: she doesn't hit me anymore, unless it's a playful accident. I so highly don't recommend what I did but I can't help but recognize the immediate benefit of her understanding not to hit folks.

I think. We'll maybe that's just bad mommy wishful thinking.

6. Had sworn off serving my dd any kind of sweet ever in her life. Walked into a room where she was being babysat to see her munching away on a girl scout cookie. She'll get a cookie at least once a week now. Her father loves chocolate shakes and if she's nearby, he will share.

Sigh.

And then there was Halloween. I was OK until about 7 pm, when she bit through a wrapper she'd been holding for a while and discovered that, hey, there's something good and sweet in this thing. (You have a picture of her before this moment.) Before then, I had her convinced that the fun of Halloween was gathering these colorful bags and long shiny blocks and putting them in a bag. For two days after her discovery, before every meal she would yell, "Candy? Candy?"

Soda. After all that bad parenting, who cares about soda but nevertheless we're training her to dislike it. It is only in our home after parties, and when she asks for a sip of what we're drinking we say, "Remember? You don't really like soda. It's all fizzy," and we'll give her a taste while screwing up our faces as though it is so nasty. For some odd reason, this works and she purses up her lips like she's eaten a lemon. Yeah, I know this will only work for so long, which is why it is a good thing that I rarely have it in my house.

I just have to keep reminding myself that *I* am the parent.

[Chickie]

I am so in agreeance with your Momifesto.

And you could put up a fairy picture every day and it would never get old. That is the cutest costume on the cutest child EVER!

[Kim]

I was a child who grew up under a similar code, and I can say I turned out just fine, so Yay. I will even say that it has held over into the years post-childhood (I still very rarely drink soda, and even when Mom relented on that point when I was about eleven, I'd already formed my own opinion that while soda may be okay, drinking it before noon just went against nature).

The thing with Barbies, though, is that 99% of the time Barbie ends up with a radical haircut, several Magic-marker tatoos and a couple of decapitated limbs before long.

[Red]

Hmm. We own no Barbies or Bratz and won't every. I have the calmest and gentlest kid I know. She has never laid a hand on anyone, pushed them or even invaded their space. She always says please and thank you to everyone and includes others. She has a great diet filled with hummus, tabouli and havarti; I let her drink Root Beer three times a week and eat pumpkin pound cake from Starbucks everyday. I say it is all in the modeling and moderation.

[divinecalm]

Oh my, your post certainly triggered an avalanche of comments. I know I don't have kids, but I truly believe that all of the items are okay in moderation and parental involvement. I think the key is the parent. If you put these toys in their proper context (ex. isn't Barbie boring), you kid will turn out fine. To be honest, kids look more to their parents as role models instead of Barbie. It's only when the parents are missing, do kids look to inanimate objects for guidance. Lastly, a little kid can never have too much glitter paint and peel-off nail polish. Creativity Rules!

[Menita]

Oh how I love your manifesto. My biggest battle is getting DH to turn the TV off and quit buying soda. The rest I think we'll be OK with - I hate those Bratz mini-ho dolls.

[tanyetta]

karen!

you rock, you totally rock. do you have any comments regarding disney movies? just wondering. LOL

[MzAriez]

I have always said that the greatest gift to give your child is your time. I get the feeling you are a vested parent. Way to go!
Alex is lucky to have you.

[Chookooloonks]

Thanks MzAriez, but it's actually the other way around: we're lucky to have her.

K.

[TempestTeapot]

Those are some great rules :-) I took ONE look at those Bratz dolls and had to pick my jaw off the floor. In the words of my mother (oh lord) "What is this world coming to?"

[Itsy Brat]

I love your rules ~ I couldn't believe how much they got me thinking after I'd read them. Although being a massive barbie fan when I was young, I can't necessarily agree that they give one poor body image (considering how wacked her body shape actually is - I mean, who would want a barrel chest?). Bratz though, are another matter, after watching my young cousins play with them I feel ashamed that anyone could have created such personalities (so far every game has resulted in the boy bratz cheating on his multiple girlfriends - eeep!). But I reckon most kids would grow up loving you, and the way you've raised them, if you show them they're loved and appreciated, and since it looks like you're doing a wonderful job at that, honestly, I don't foresee too much trauma.