Chookooloonks

and just under the wire...

What's on my desk. Sadly, this was taken on a rather uncluttered day.

...Happy Independence Day, Trinis, and Happy Blog Day! With regard to Blog Day, we bloggers are tasked to present five new blogs (new to us, anyway) to share with the rest of the blogosphere at large. Since I've got about 2 minutes left, I thought I'd share a few art blogs that I've become quite fond of:

- On My Desk -- Sort of a photoblog where artists, illustrators and other creative types share images of their workspaces. It somehow feels like peeking into their creative minds, and for this, I am greatful.

- Crayon -- Created by a graphic illustrator in Finland. Great photos, journal pages and illustrations.

- Woolgathering -- Every day, Elizabeth Perry sketches something about her life, and shares it with us. Really beautiful.

- Navylane Studio -- In the author's words: "A glimpse into a mixed media artist's creative world of collage, art journals, fiber art, art cards, altered art and more."

- Solistella -- Authored by another graphic designer. I just love the vibe of her work.

Enjoy. Hope you had a wonderful day.

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could you be loved

Happy Love Thursday! This week for Love Thursday, I thought I'd share a photo Marcus took this past weekend. Last Sunday, you might remember, we went up to Mount St. Benedict. Well, before that, we had a wonderful lunch at my Auntie Sonia's. Here's a picture of Alex and me at her house, giving each other Eskimo kisses:

With that, I can't wait to see what you guys share this week. For those of you who haven't participated before, if you have a blog, please upload a picture, image or story representing love -- any kind of love -- on your site. Then leave the permalink of the post here in the comments here or at Irene's site (if you don't have a blog, feel free to leave some words related to love in the comments as well). And, of course, feel free to include your image in the Love Thursday Flickr Pool -- I don't know about you, but I love going there throughout the week to scroll through the shots.

Have a great day!

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a quick dream house thank you -- and a challenge

A type of croton.

It dawns on me that I never thanked you for sharing all your ideas for a dream house with me -- so thank you, sincerely. I loved them all. Some of your suggestions were ones we'd already incorporated in our ideas (I mean, come on! Of COURSE we're going to have the laundry room upstairs -- it's truly the only place for it!), and others were so obvious, yet I'm embarrassed to say we hadn't even thought of them (a window seat in Alex's room -- now that you mention it, how could we not? I would've loved that growing up!). Some of them were positively inspired (Girl Con Queso, your idea to take the picture from that post and have it framed for the house once it's built: bloody brilliant. I definitely will do that -- that evening we came up with those cocktail-napkin sketches was one of my favourite nights of our marriage). Seriously, thank you all.

It also seemed that a considerable number of you have thought eco-friendly thoughts when imagining your own dream homes. When you're ready for that dream to become reality (and if you're so inclined), be sure to check out my list of eco-friendly architecture and design sites and magazines for inspiration.

And for those of you who aren't ready to build your dream home: what are you waiting for? Start making it happen, man! My friend Andrea said on her blog once "I have always been amazed at the power of writing things down. Anything I have ever manifested in my life began as a thought, then made its way into a list in one of my journals." And you know what? I agree -- in fact, my experience is the same -- most everything I've ever truly wanted in my life happened when I made a point of writing it down. It's amazing what you can make come true.

So those of you who want to one day live in your dream home, here's a challenge: write down everything you want. Tear out magazine pages that reflect your thoughts. Daydream with sketches. Even if you think this is just mumbo-jumbo-West-Indian-voodoo-hocus-pocus, seriously, what could it hurt? In fact, do this with anything you want in your life. Consider it your first baby step. You might be surprised what you can make happen.

And then? Let me know how it goes.

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it is entirely possible that she's sneaking out at night and hanging out in pubs

So last night, I was lying on Alex's bed while she was playing with her MegaBloks (sort of like Legos on steroids). Suddenly, without warning, she hurled one of her blocks at my leg, bouncing it neatly off my shin.

The blocks are too small to hurt; however, I couldn't let such behaviour go unaddressed. I looked at her, all prepared to give her my "we don't throw things" speech. As I opened my mouth, my little cherub of a two-year-old looked at me, grinned, and said quietly:

"BULLSEYE."

I have no idea where she got that word -- it's certainly not something I say, nor have I ever heard her father say it. All I do know, however, is that This Does Not Bode Well.

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look! something pretty!

In other news, here are some shots from our visit to the monastery on Mount St. Benedict yesterday, in the northern range of Trinidad.

Enjoy.

just another reason why we don't watch television

Oh, my little kumquats, I'm disturbed. It appears something's rotten in the state of Denmark -- or, at least, in American television programming. And since finding out, I have not been able to shake my funky mood.

It all began when this weekend, I received an e-mail from my friend Carmen Van Kerckhove, who, along with her partner, Jen Chau, are the creators of the blog Mixed Media Watch and Addicted to Race, a podcast covering America's obsession with race. In her e-mail, she said...

...well, here, you read it:

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Hey everyone,

It's been an exciting couple days here in NYC. As you may have heard,
the new season of "Survivor" is going to split up its contestants by
race and pit them against one another. Of course, it's creating a lot
of controversy and thankfully most of the reaction has been negative.
We've been speaking out against it, of course...

...I hope you'll join me in boycotting this next season of "Survivor"
because it sounds absolutely horrendous. The last thing we need right
now is MORE racial divisions.

Already it's giving people like Rush Limbaugh an excuse to air their
crazy theories about how Asians will "outsmart" everyone, Latinos will
win because they're willing to do things nobody else is willing, how
blacks can't swim, etc. See/hear for yourself here.

Take care,

Carmen
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Um, exsqueeze me?

Survivor is creating competitive teams based on race? What could POSSIBLY be the purpose of this? Oh, yes, of course, I know -- ratings and controversy and all that, but seriously, can any good come of this? Apparently Rush Limbaugh is already leading the charge for setting odds based on racist stereotypes, but ignoring him for a minute (or, you know, forever), I can't imagine what the legitimate purpose of pitting races against each other could possibly be. Call me morbid, but I forsee any conflict or alliance arising among the teams being interpreted as a comment not just on how teams react in a staged setting, but as a statement of fact about how races behave in gross generalities. Furthermore, and I'm just guessing here, I suspect that the directors and final producers of the show won't be painting these generalities in the most positive light. The show, in my opinion, runs the risk of cementing the beliefs of bigots everywhere. And frankly, in 2006 shouldn't we -- and by "we," I mean all of humankind -- be over this sort of nonsense?

In reading the article Carmen referenced in her e-mail, I learned that the teams (and therefore the ethnicities who will be competing) are White, Black, Asian and Latino. My husband is White. I'm Black and Asian. Our daughter is 1/2 Black, but 100% Latina. This show will be pitting against each other all the races that our little family represents.

Clearly I won't be watching this show, but the truth is, I don't watch television anyway, so my not watching really doesn't make much difference. However, I hope those of you who do watch television will consider resisting any morbid curiosity you may feel, and change the channel when Survivor comes on this season. I'd hate to see them succeed because of this clearly inflammatory choice of programming. But then, of course, I would. Because for me...

...it's personal.

Update: More on the new season here.
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dream a little dream with me

Our elaborate architectural plans.

My obsession with design magazines continues. In fact, it's reached epidemic proportions: the other night, the evening of our second fourth anniversary, Marcus and I got dressed, went to an outrageously overpriced (but well-known for its delicious steaks) restaurant, sat down at the bar, ordered drinks...

... and spent the next two hours sketching out on cocktail napkins what we hope our next house -- hopefully, what will become our "family home" -- will look like. Now THAT's sexy romance, people.

It was actually so much fun to do -- and I'm encouraged that (a) we pretty much agreed wholeheartedly with each other's ideas, and (b) we also agreed that we don't need huge. In fact, the home we're considering is actually not much bigger than apartment we're living in now, so it's nice to know that as we get older, we're not getting greedier. We've also decided that since we're going to design this ourselves, we might as well think about trying to make it as green as possible -- so now, I'm pouring over websites that talk about outrageous things like "green roofs" and "straw bale construction." You never know, it could happen. And if that isn't bad enough, since that night (because in some ways, he is as obsessive as I am), Marcus has found online software which enables you to draw your plans in 3D, and so I full expect to see very little of him after work for the next week or so, as he carefully plots the plans for our house.

I can see, already, that we're going to be some architect's worst nightmare.

Anyway, although we haven't decided what we want it to look like from the outside, we've pretty much sketched the layout of the inside. I've tried to incorporate all the little details that I want (mostly from reading those damnable magazines) -- things like a small sitting area in the kitchen (because isn't that where people usually end up hanging out anyway?), and a proper entryway for Marcus (because being English, living in our American open-plan house in Houston just about killed him). I know, however, that I'm missing something: after the whole thing is built, fate says I'll end up visiting someone else's house, and thinking "oh SNAP! I wish I'd thought to put that in our house!"

So here's where you come in: what small detail does your dream house HAVE to include? I'm not talking major stuff -- like the kitchen has to be off the master bedroom, for midnight snack purposes, or whatever -- I'm talking the little things, like a dual-sided fireplace, maybe, or floor-to-ceiling built-in shelving in your private home office, or a skylight over the bathtub, so you can look at stars while you relax in the bubbles (which, by the way, would be something Marcus -- being English -- would want. As a West Indian woman, I am decidedly anti-bath, preferring showers instead. Preferably showers where the water comes out piping hot and with authority.) Maybe a treehouse for your kids and then later, your grandkids. Whatever.

Please, let me know what details we should be considering that I might have missed. Think of it this way: the childhood home which future-grown-up-Alex will look back upon with fondness depends on it.

No pressure.

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on adoption and race

A couple of days ago, a commenter named Meera asked what I thought of this article. It is written by a Lisa Lerner, a Jewish-American woman who adopted transracially from India, and who, as it turns out, ended up having trouble handling the fact that her daughter was dark: "even Blacks and Indians in Vaishali's and my social circle are lighter than she," she says. She concludes, "We need darker friends."

Ignoring for a moment the ridiculousness of this last statement (what's she going to do, start making friends on the basis of skin colour? "Hi, I'm Lisa. My daughter's dark -- like you, actually. I was wondering: will you be our friend?"), the general content of her article, as you can imagine, unleashed a flood of comments. Some people praised her for her courage in admitting something that was clearly difficult to admit, others blatantly called her a racist, and still others wondered why the hell she would adopt internationally when "there were plenty of children needing a home in America." I'll admit upfront that I read very few of these responses, because frankly, they didn't jibe with my initial reaction. My first thought was, "this doesn't surprise me in the least."

See, I have a theory: as superficial as it sounds, I think all prospective parents have an idea of what they hope their child will look like. "I hope the baby has my wife's eyes," a man might think. "God help me if she has my mother-in-law's nose," an expectant mother may shudder. It's human nature to imagine what your family is going to look like -- and therefore no different for adoptive parents. For this reason, I think to state that "race shouldn't matter" when adopting is naive -- race does matter. When we were considering adoption, Marcus and I specifically wanted a multiracial child, because we're an interracial couple (although what races made up the "multiracial" were much less of an issue). Even when a couple chooses to adopt transracially, if they're smart, they will have considered whether or not they can handle all of the issues that can arise when their kids don't look like their parents do, and therefore the adoption is obvious on its face. Race matters, make no mistake.

The question, therefore, is not whether the baby looks like you expected her to, but whether you can handle it if she doesn't. And this, my friends, takes some serious soul-searching -- a flippant "of course I can, I'm not racist, I have friends of all colours" is not enough. It requires honestly looking at biases that you may have based on others' skin colour, or culture, or nationality, and really being frank with yourself as to where any discomfort you feel comes from. It requires, if you choose to adopt transracially or transculturally, exploring, on a deep level, why you feel drawn to one race (or culture or nationality) or another. And frankly, it behooves you to do this WAY AHEAD OF TIME -- when your child comes home to you is probably a bit late.

As you can imagine, for some this can be a very uncomfortable exercise, since it may involve uncovering some less-than-attractive traits. The good news, however, is you don't have to tell anyone. For once, it's really no one's business why you choose to adopt internationally, or transculturally or transracially -- or hell, why you don't -- and if anyone asks, you can just smile and say something vague like, "it's just what feels right." (That said, if you do uncover some biases based on stereotypes, for your own good, you probably want to work on that -- but that's a conversation for another time).

I guess my thoughts on this were cemented some time back: a few years ago, Marcus and I heard of a situation similar to Lerner's. In this case, a couple returned their infant baby to the placing adoption agency during the six-month period pending finalization of adoption, because their African-American child was "too dark." What made this story particularly startling was that the couple were themselves African-American. I remember first thinking how preposterous I thought their position was, but you know what? Ultimately, they did the right thing: if they weren't equipped to raise the baby to be proud of who s/he was, then thank God they gave another couple the chance to do so. As for Lerner, well -- I guess I wish her the best. It's too bad she didn't confront her preconceptions before little Vaishali came home, but whatever. Here's hoping she works through them now -- for both their sakes.

Anyway, that's my take on the matter - feel free to share your own thoughts in the comments (but remember, this is a place where we differ RESPECTFULLY in opinion -- love and light, okay?). Oh and one more thing:

No one said this adoption stuff was easy.

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not a trace of doubt in my mind...i'm in love

Happy Love Thursday, everyone! I so enjoyed visiting all your images and words about love in all its forms last week -- I figure we should make this Love Thursday thing a tradition, don't you? To reiterate how this works:

1. If you have a blog, post a photograph, or a painting, or an image of art, or a story about love on your website today. Remember, it doesn't have to be romantic love -- it can be love of family, love of friends, love of pets, hell, love of a good meal. It can even be a deformed Cheerio that looks surprising like a heart. Seriously, anything -- so long as it brings to mind love.

2. Once you've posted your image or story, feel free to return here to Chookooloonks (or the site of my Love Thursday Partner-In-Crime, Irene Nam) and post the permalink to your post in the comments. And by the way, if you post a photo or other image, please consider adding it to our Love Thursday Flickr Pool. It's a wonderful place to visit and see real evidence that love is, indeed, all around us.

3. If you don't have a blog, don't let that stop you from sharing -- feel free to post your story about love in the comments here.

And that's all there is to it -- a simple way to spread the love!

Now, for my submission:

Photo by the wonderful Mark Robinson. If you're getting married in the UK, get him to shoot your wedding. Really.

The above photo, taken on our wedding day, is my favourite photo ever taken of me. Even though we had already been legally married for two months (and had actually moved to the United States by this time), we still managed to fly back to London and throw ourselves a wonderfully intimate wedding celebration with very close family and friends. We wrote our own vows that we shared in front of this small group, and at the time this was taken, Marcus was saying something funny while taking his turn. I don't think I've ever looked happier. And as coincidence would have it, today is exactly four years since that photograph was taken. Happy second fourth anniversary, Marcus.

And, again, Happy Love Thursday, everyone!

(P.S. Ten points if you can guess which song the title of this post comes from.)
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so, you want to adopt

Alex and me at the Pan Pacific Hotel, Whistler, British Columbia, June 2006. Photo by Marcus.

When I started this website exactly 2-1/2 years ago, Marcus and I were waiting ...literally...for Alex to be born. For the first six months, I wrote about what it was like to have a child all of a sudden turn up in your home -- with no pregnancy to help your mind really wrap around what was about to happen -- as well as the way our threesome turned into a family, eventually made legal by a Texas judge. To be honest, every day since then, we sort of "forget" how Alex came home to us. It's not that we're don't talk about it -- Alex loves going through the pages of her life book, and we remain in touch with her birthmother -- but from day to day, it's just not something we think about. Alex is, in every sense of the word, our daughter, save for biology.

Every now and then, however, I get an e-mail from someone who's just at the start of their adoption process, asking for advice or our thoughts on the whole process, and I'm forced to remember: Oh yeah...Alex was adopted. And even though I know the waiting and the process was sometimes excruciating and painfully emotional, I find myself feeling not unlike how my mother describes the pains she felt giving birth to my sister and me: "Karen," she says, "labour is awful, but once they place that baby in your arms, you totally forget the pain."

So there you have it. Adoption is like labour.

Anyway, because I do get a few of those emails every couple of months or so, I thought I'd take a break from chronicling our normal day-to-day lives and share some of my thoughts on the adoption process -- sort of a "what I would do differently if I knew then what I know now." Keep in mind, however, that Marcus and I adopted in the United States, so the process may be very different if you live outside of America; however, I suspect some of the issues I raise here have variations on the same themes in your own country, so adjust your perspective as necessary.

So, without further ado:

1. I'd research like the dickens. We did research, but probably not nearly enough. All my research was done on the web, and while that's certainly a fine way to get information about adoption, I found that some of the priceless information we received were from friends who'd already adopted (albeit via a different process). In any event, if you're at the start of your process, here are three websites that I'd definitely go:

- The Adoption Forums: This site has bulletin boards for every type of adoption imaginable -- so if you're looking for "gay couples who live in New Hampshire looking to adopt transracially from Guatemala," you can find people discussing all the issues that may arise in that particular type of adoption. The beauty of the boards is that the people contributing are at every stage of adoption: just starting out, second time around, just finalized, whatever. A couple of caveats: (a) the site is pretty American-centric, so if you're not in the US, some of the issues raised may not resonate with you, and (b) take everything with a grain of salt. Don't take legal advice from the bulletin boards, and sometimes there's a bit of "herd mentality" that occurs -- the usual. Still, it's a great way to see how various people have dealt with issues which may arise with your adoption.

- Adoptive Families Magazine: Probably the premiere magazine for adoptive families -- it seems like every adoption agency has a copy of this magazine on their waiting room coffee table. It's a great source for book reviews, trends in adoption law (both in the US and internationally, although it is a primarily US-centric publication), and other information that can be invaluable. I actually didn't learn about this magazine until after Alex came home to us -- I think it would've been a great resource beforehand.

- Google, Technorati, etc.: I think probably one of the greatest resources out there -- probably more abundantly so than when we were going through our adoption -- are other adoption blogs. It's really nice to read personal accounts of people who've been through the process, and I think, generally, if someone's willing to blog about their experience, they're also willing to answer your e-mails if you have any questions. I'm not great about answering e-mails myself, but I try really hard to answer all the e-mails I receive from people going through the adoption process -- because I know what they're going through. Don't be afraid to contact adoption bloggers directly.

2. I'd think long and hard about who I would tell that we were adopting. This is actually a difficult one -- on one hand, you want to tell the world (it's the equivalent of, "Hey! We're pregnant!"), on the other hand, the world may not be ready to hear it. It was actually quite startling how many confused or negative responses we got ("Are you okay?" "Are you sure?" "Ooooh... I dunno, man ...adoption..."). On the other other hand, we also ended up discovering friends who were great resources and sounding boards while we were going through the waiting period ("You're adopting? You know, I was adopted...")...

Man, I don't know. I guess, when I think about it, just be prepared for anything when you share your news.

3. Be careful who you listen to. I realize this is pretty rich coming from me, since I'm boldly giving advice here, but seriously, be careful. The adoption world is full of (a) scary stories and (b) people who have no experience with adoption who love to retell scary stories. Just research, hold your cards close to the vest, and take everything you hear (or read) with a grain of salt. And trust your instincts. Generally, they won't lead you wrong.

Oh, and of course, after all the waiting, and the paper chase, and the travel (if applicable), and the dear birthmother books (if applicable), and the legal hurdles, and the anticipation...

...it's all worth it in the end:

Anyway, that's pretty much all I can think of for now. How about those of you who've been on the adoption journey already -- what else would you add?