In a nasty turn of events, I seem to have contracted some horrible sort of affliction that has me very close to coughing up my spleen.
I think I have consumption. That has a very Christmas-Carol-Dickensian ring to it, don't you think?
Update: On your recommendations, I just had two slices of toast with a clove of crushed garlic on each of them. I still have consumption, but I can pretty much guarantee there isn't a vampire within 20 miles of my house.