« coming clean »
When I met Heather B. about eighteen months ago, we'd each heard of and read each other's blogs before, but we'd never actually met each other in person. About 5 minutes into our conversation, I dropped an F-bomb.
"Oh my God," gasped Heather. "Chookooloonks just said the f-word."
"Um, yeah," I responded. "Did I offend you? I'm really sorry."
"No!" she said immediately. "I'm cool with it! It's just ... you never curse on your blog. You're all love and light on Chookooloonks. I'm really shocked."
"Well, that's different," I said. "I mean, there, I'm writing. I'm editing. And I always find I can come up with a better choice of words when I'm writing. But sometimes when I'm talking ... well, it's the best expletive I can find."
While I found the whole exchange above really quite funny, there was a part of me that was bothered by it -- I hate that she might have been misled into thinking that I live my life in a cloud of self-realization, because NOTHING could be farther from the truth. I mean, of course, the person you read on this site is definitely who I am at my core, but it's a version of me that takes the time to edit and ensure that what gets published is what I truly want to say in my heart of hearts. But in my day-to-day life, I'm ... well, I'm messier. So without further ado, the following are some of what I'm like in real life as well, so that we can all make sure we're on the same page:
1. So, yes, I curse. Not nearly as sailor-like as I did before I became a parent, and I do a pretty good job of not cursing in front of my daughter, but yeah. I do love a well-placed expletive every now and then. It's true.
2. I do pray every day, usually right before I fall asleep, in gratitude. This is a practice that I've been pretty true to all my life. I don't, however, meditate every day. I really want to, and when I did meditate pretty religiously for a few months about a decade ago, I loved how it changed my life. But I was single and childless then, and now, as a wife and a mother who tries to fit in a full-time career in 6 hours a day, time often just gets away from me, and my meditation becomes very sporadic. I really should figure out a way to do it again as a daily practice.
3. I HATE to exercise. Absolutely hate it. I do it, in occasional spurts and fits, but I don't enjoy it. I'm still searching for that perfect exercise that leaves me feeling exhilarated rather than exhausted and slightly annoyed; but I haven't found it yet (with the possible exception of Bikram yoga, but unfortunately I can never seem to find a class at a convenient time at a convenient location, so that makes it difficult).
4. I'm a pretty type-A person, which manifests as astonishingly extreme impatience. Marcus, however, has the patience of Job, thank God, because I seriously don't know how he puts up with me. The tiniest thing can get under my skin. Thank heavens I don't tend to hold grudges, or I would be truly, truly curmudgeonly.
In addition, the following are things which I think are very true about me, and which I think is obvious from reading this site:
1. I love my family and I love my life. Really, really.
2. I do think that at their core, most people are really good. I think that people who are not good were actually born good, but went through some really horrid shit along the way, causing them to lose faith and trust -- in themselves, and with other people, as well -- and therefore act out.
(See what I did there? I dropped an s-bomb. But in this particular case, I really do think it was the best word for the job.)
3. I absolutely, positively believe that all of us, each of us, has a superpower that if we were to tap into it, and use it for good and not evil, there's just no stopping us (see #2 above, related).
4. Photography has changed the way I look at people, things, places and even the mundane aspects of life, so that I really, truly believe that we all, and it all, is very, very, very beautiful. As long as what I'm looking at isn't the result of an evil act, or hatred, or bigotry, I can pretty much find the pretty in it. Which is quite awesome.
Okay! I'm happy to get that off my chest -- and I feel like I've come clean. It just took NaBloPoMo to do it.
Update, 12:12 p.m: I just realized that I totally spaced on giving you a song of the day today -- sorry! Since it's still Tuesday, I think I'm okay -- I haven't blown NaBloPoMo quite yet. Unfortunately for you, however, the song is Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus, because I canNOT get that song out of my head today, no matter how hard I try -- and believe me, I've been trying.
See? I told you I have an ugly side.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009 at 12:00AM
Reader Comments (23)
Okay, since you started this. My confessions:
- I'm not all that clean. Left to my own devices I can go without a shower for days, DAYS I tell you.
- I've never been very good at just coming out and asking for what I want. I have a very annoying habit of sending people telepathic messages about what my heart is yearning for and hoping they'll get the message. It doesn't work out so well.
- Some days I can't be bothered doing any yoga practice, so I don't.
Ah, now that feels better!
i think we f-bombed each other within, ooh, five minutes of sitting down in Cafe Rouge together. and it was a beautiful thing indeed ;)
Regarding your second #2, I've found something to help me keep that frame of mind. I re-read David Foster Wallace's 2005 commencement speech at Kenyon College every couple weeks. I know, it seems that a commencement speech would be the most boring thing you could read -- much less re-read -- but it really helps keep me in a positive frame of mind with respect to strangers.
http://bit.ly/Nx5Gm
haha, great honesty Karen. I think the one thing that i'm happy you highlighted is that, as you said, this blog is you at your very core but I don't think you have to be necessarily deeply personal in every post. I mean part of you will always be floating around in the websphere and I think it's ok if you had a diplomatic say on this blog about something like the Presidential elections than a profanity-ridden rant you might have with your friends about the state of the US for the last 8 yrs. I mean, your readers are 'friends' but then there are your real friends who are part of your life away from your Mac :)
LOL! Love this post; I, too, can cuss better than any trucker on the road out there, but I usually don't, unless in 'emergencies.' I really try not to around my son (even though he's a grown young man) because after all his years of me telling him not to do it, he looks @ me like I'm crazy when I do it. I wouldn't expect that you would drop the "F" bomb in your writing cause as you said - you never know who it offends, but it's totally cool to know that you do :-) The "F" word just so..... 'works' in some situations (LOL!)
Re: #2: I, too, pray daily, & all throughout the day, but for some reason, I @ times still feel far away from God & never quite 'good enuff.' I believe he has plans for me, but I don't know what it is & that makes me nervous. I believe he has been trying to tell me something, but I haven't been quiet enuff to hear him. Bad girl... Also, I can be very moody; my mother's negativity to almost everything in life takes me to the dangling edge; and I am very spontaneous & bore very quickly who folks who aren't. WHEW! Got that off my chest. Thanks for sharing :-)
I love this list Karen! Love it. It made me think about an interaction I had the other day with a colleague. I have only been working at this job (at a university) for four months. A few weeks ago was Homecoming and as an alumni relations professional I was working for the whole weekend, and Saturday was Spirit Day. I didn't own a t-shirt or sweatshirt for the school yet, so as I was heading to the bookstore in the Student Center, I asked a colleague if she needed anything while I was there. She replied, "Yeah, I would think you need a sweatshirt, as I don't picture you as the casual, jeans-wearing type." HA!! I laughed out loud! I guess these folks really don't know me yet! They don't know that, although far from schlumpy, I would much rather be in jeans and a black t-shirt than a skirt and heels. I decided it is better than my colleagues thinking I don't know how to dress professionally, but it still made me think about the way people perceive me and how much of my "true" self I have shared. Just wait until they find out I am a raging liberal and also drop the F bomb at times. :-)
When I started reading here, it was during a time when I was kind of in limbo. My blog was bitch entry, grumble entry, bitch. Reading this blog made me think that I needed to cultivate my own positive attitude on my blog. I'm still grumbly and cranky at times, but I've noticed that as I am writing entries for "Things that Make Me Happy Tuesdays" and "Thankful Fridays", I feel better and mood lifts. I bet it's the same for you. It's that one space of light and happy and joy that may not always reflect your emotional state at the time, but does reflect that emotional state of where you want to be. We have to start somewhere.
I worry about swearing too, both live and in my written word. My father always said it was a sign of a lack of intelligence not to be able to find a better word, but sometimes a swear word...is the only word that fits. Sorry Pop!
I worry more about offending folks with my other topics like this one...
http://giftsofthejourney.wordpress.com/2009/11/03/tell-me-a-story-tuesdays-–-minnies-mephisto/
This is a good reminder that we tend to build an entire persona around what we know of people, which is usually a tiny slice of who they really are. I had the experience a few weeks ago of talking to a colleague and saying something along the lines of, "In my wilder years...." This person looked at me and said, "I have trouble believing you were ever wilder." Cracked me up!! I used to relish my wild child and to have someone who knows so little about me think that what they DO know is the sum total of who I am was such a reminder of how we build these personas with virtually no information. Fortunately, I've attained enough maturity that I didn't have to go out and prove that I have a wild child to a colleague. I could just smile and think, "Oh....if you only knew."
I knew we were kindred spirits when you dropped the f-bomb. I knew then that I did not have to be fake-perfect around you and I could fully use all the colorful words in my vocabulary. And, so far so good with posting everyday. I actually have concepts and ideas to post, so that will make this process much easier to stick to.
I may have to borrow this confession post of yours on a desperate day.