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Two decades ago, when I was in my early twenties, I remember talking to an acquaintance who was planning her wedding. She and her fiancé were incredibly different people: they had different interests, different personalities. I asked her how she felt certain that he was The One.
"Well, Karen," she said, "I am of the firm belief that love is not an emotion. It's a decision."
"How's that?" I asked.
"Well, I think that when you get married, you're telling everyone that you commit to deciding to love that person every day for the rest of your lives."
At the time, I assumed that she was talking about what you're supposed to do when the blush and the rush of new love fades away. I thought she was saying that when your spouse isn't as gorgeous as he used to be, or isn't as romantic as he was when you dated, you're supposed to make the decision to love him anyway. And at the time, as a young wife myself, that seemed to make sense to me.
As I think of it, it's probably no surprise that I'm no longer married to the man who was my husband back then.
Twenty years later, married to my husband of 8 years and mother to our daughter, my idea of the concept of love-as-a-decision has changed -- or more, expanded. For me, there's still an attribute of love that is inexplicable: it's the part of love that made me say yes without hesitation to Marcus when he asked me to marry him 18 days into our relationship; the flood of emotion that I felt as soon as I held Alex for the first time. But some recent events -- watching a friend make some somewhat self-destructive decisions in her own life -- are teaching me that there's a part of love that is, after all, a decision. But it's not about loving someone when the adrenaline rush of love disappears or romance fades; it's more about making the decision to love someone when they're having a hard time loving themselves. It's about the commitment you make to not give up on that person, to rush in to help when necessary, but also knowing when to step back, mindfully, watchfully, ready to be there when the time is right.
It's a difficult lesson. But I've come to believe love is an emotion and a decision. The trick is to cultivate and care for both.
Happy Love Thursday, friends. May you decide to love someone who needs it today.
Image: One from the archives. Photographed with my Nikon D300 and (I think) my 24-85mm zoom lens.
Song: Chosen one by One Eskimo
Thursday, July 8, 2010 at 12:00AM
Reader Comments (23)
YES!
Wholeheartedly agree; nicely put :)
This week I have some LT from friends and my niece, who has captured some hearts out and about:
Love Thursday: Family and Friends Edition.
This is perfect. I am currently in a Philosophy of Sex and Love course and we are really digging into the idea of marriage. Why people get married and what it means to get married.
It is so interesting because so often we make this distinction between different kind of loves. If our child were to make a bad decision we would love them through it without question. With spouses? That can be a little tougher. And with friends? That can be nearly impossible.
I guess the best thing that you can do is just think of everyone as your little children. Since we were all little innocent minds at one time and we all hold on to parts of that. Think of your neighbor or your friend as a child of sorts.
Great conversation...
Heart*Mind*Heart*Mind ... a very fine balance indeed.
It's easy to see self-destructive behavior from the outside into someone else's life.
Much harder to stand there, catch her when she falls, advise without judgment, and love her anyway.
I'd add one: Love is an emotion, a decision – and lots and lots of actions.
So true and - as always - so eloquently worded. Happy Love Thursday!!
http://cantgetthere.wordpress.com/2010/07/08/summer-lovin-having-a-blast/
I agree- it's a choice and it's an emotion- it certainly calls on the deeper sides of us, when we choose to love someone who needs to be loved and is struggling to love themselves-
I focused on self love today, appreciating the details without getting hung up on the flaws.
This is similar to a concept I read in a book about religion and faith. It was written by a rabbi, I think it's, "You don't have to be wrong for me to be right" or something? I should really go look for it but I'm being lazy :) Anyway, he said the same thing about his faith, in that it was a choice he made every day and it didn't make him feel constrained, but content. He compared his faith to his love for his wife and said that being married isn't a burden, something long and taxing that weighs on you over an expanse of time, but rather every day he simply makes the decision to love his wife, to own that commitment, and in that way, it makes it all feel easy.
Wonderful and thoughtful post, as always.
I never wanted to marry Chris. I had to be convinced and bribed (something about more financial aid in grads school...not true by the way). I didn't see the point in marriage. I knew Chris was the one I was supposed to be with and that was that. 12 years down the road and all of that is still the same. We've had rough patches, but through them all we made the decision to stick it out. Happy Love Thursday!
http://www.elephantsoap.com/2010/07/love-thursday-26/
beautiful sentiments. stunning photography.
I think you're absolutely brilliant and so right on about this. We make the decision to love every day. Every moment. Especially in the really crappy moments. Or the every day moments. Last night my love was eating elf grahams with frosting. And every now and then he'd make one and instead of eating it, he'd hand it to me. So sweet, so small, so perfect. We choose it for sure. Every moment.