coming clean
When I met Heather B. about eighteen months ago, we'd each heard of and read each other's blogs before, but we'd never actually met each other in person. About 5 minutes into our conversation, I dropped an F-bomb.
"Oh my God," gasped Heather. "Chookooloonks just said the f-word."
"Um, yeah," I responded. "Did I offend you? I'm really sorry."
"No!" she said immediately. "I'm cool with it! It's just ... you never curse on your blog. You're all love and light on Chookooloonks. I'm really shocked."
"Well, that's different," I said. "I mean, there, I'm writing. I'm editing. And I always find I can come up with a better choice of words when I'm writing. But sometimes when I'm talking ... well, it's the best expletive I can find."
While I found the whole exchange above really quite funny, there was a part of me that was bothered by it -- I hate that she might have been misled into thinking that I live my life in a cloud of self-realization, because NOTHING could be farther from the truth. I mean, of course, the person you read on this site is definitely who I am at my core, but it's a version of me that takes the time to edit and ensure that what gets published is what I truly want to say in my heart of hearts. But in my day-to-day life, I'm ... well, I'm messier. So without further ado, the following are some of what I'm like in real life as well, so that we can all make sure we're on the same page:
1. So, yes, I curse. Not nearly as sailor-like as I did before I became a parent, and I do a pretty good job of not cursing in front of my daughter, but yeah. I do love a well-placed expletive every now and then. It's true.
2. I do pray every day, usually right before I fall asleep, in gratitude. This is a practice that I've been pretty true to all my life. I don't, however, meditate every day. I really want to, and when I did meditate pretty religiously for a few months about a decade ago, I loved how it changed my life. But I was single and childless then, and now, as a wife and a mother who tries to fit in a full-time career in 6 hours a day, time often just gets away from me, and my meditation becomes very sporadic. I really should figure out a way to do it again as a daily practice.
3. I HATE to exercise. Absolutely hate it. I do it, in occasional spurts and fits, but I don't enjoy it. I'm still searching for that perfect exercise that leaves me feeling exhilarated rather than exhausted and slightly annoyed; but I haven't found it yet (with the possible exception of Bikram yoga, but unfortunately I can never seem to find a class at a convenient time at a convenient location, so that makes it difficult).
4. I'm a pretty type-A person, which manifests as astonishingly extreme impatience. Marcus, however, has the patience of Job, thank God, because I seriously don't know how he puts up with me. The tiniest thing can get under my skin. Thank heavens I don't tend to hold grudges, or I would be truly, truly curmudgeonly.
In addition, the following are things which I think are very true about me, and which I think is obvious from reading this site:
1. I love my family and I love my life. Really, really.
2. I do think that at their core, most people are really good. I think that people who are not good were actually born good, but went through some really horrid shit along the way, causing them to lose faith and trust -- in themselves, and with other people, as well -- and therefore act out.
(See what I did there? I dropped an s-bomb. But in this particular case, I really do think it was the best word for the job.)
3. I absolutely, positively believe that all of us, each of us, has a superpower that if we were to tap into it, and use it for good and not evil, there's just no stopping us (see #2 above, related).
4. Photography has changed the way I look at people, things, places and even the mundane aspects of life, so that I really, truly believe that we all, and it all, is very, very, very beautiful. As long as what I'm looking at isn't the result of an evil act, or hatred, or bigotry, I can pretty much find the pretty in it. Which is quite awesome.
Okay! I'm happy to get that off my chest -- and I feel like I've come clean. It just took NaBloPoMo to do it.
Update, 12:12 p.m: I just realized that I totally spaced on giving you a song of the day today -- sorry! Since it's still Tuesday, I think I'm okay -- I haven't blown NaBloPoMo quite yet. Unfortunately for you, however, the song is Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus, because I canNOT get that song out of my head today, no matter how hard I try -- and believe me, I've been trying.
See? I told you I have an ugly side.